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Lurkers At The Internet Threshold

It's another day at my computer mail box, and the ubiquitous salutations have organised themselves once more. Now I don't know any of these people and sure would like to get to root of the reason why I've suddenly become so popular that even complete strangers know my personal details (well, almost ) and even greet me by name. I'm really tempted to run against Tony Blair and George Bush, together at the same time. I seem to have better street-creds see ?

First there is this bloke ( maybe a chick because sometimes a feminine name comes up; scary if there are several of them ); and daily he's offering to sell me cheap Viagra (or some substitute). Now I don't know which one of the girls out there you've been talking to mate, but what I had was a temporary problem and believe me it's fixed now, OK ? Thanks a lot.

Dear Kelly, and Franklin and Shelley and Ruth and all their co-conspirators, I don't want to buy your "harmless herbal preparation with no side effects", and which is guaranteed to increase the size of my penis by four inches. From your letter, I can see that English language is not one of your strong skills, but I assure you that dinging my dong by four inches in any direction will leave me with a problem of massive proportion and in dire need of plastic surgery. Please let sleeping dongs lie.

All of you wonderful guys out there hell-bent on making me an instant millionaire just by purchasing your gee-whiz programmes and systems, I really don't know why you want to share your secrets with me - if they are any good. I suspect it's a clever scam, and it figures - if a million people buy your stuff you'll become millionaires right ? Well, it's been a long time since I stepped off the banana boat, ok ?

A great number of generous High Street banks out there have lately been asking me to come update an account that doesn't exist. My thinking is that if all of you don't know your customers I certainly don't want to be doing any business with you nor putting my money in your care. Please clean up your acts.

Now this is nice; I just won 100,000 Euros in a lottery. Problem is that I don't remember buying any lottery ticket. Wot; I gotta send you some bread to claim the prize ? Piss off you twats !!

Steven and Demetrius; I don't want to buy cheap replica Swiss watches at any price.

Rosemary, I don't want to buy a Doctorate degree in Lobotomy without doing any study. I know it will get me a great job in Harley Street but think of it : your mum might end up as my patient, can't you see ?

Holly; I don't want to lose 25 pounds in weight in a single day. I will end up in a bloody coffin, don't you understand ?!

All you guys at Marginz Ltd,; my name is not Dear "Hi".

Private Movies; I don't invest my money in pornography. I prefer the real stuff.

Greg; I gave up using Valium a very long time ago and so don't want none. I think you should also stop spending your dole pay on booze and hashish. It's not cool anymore.

And as for you guys sending me cleverly disguised viruses......... I had nothing to do with your wives and girlfriends, I swear !!

Ah ! Now that I've sorted all that out I feel a lot better. I am wondering though if all this is happening to me only ; perhaps I was very bad in my previous life. Hail Mary.......

Article Source: http://www.articlemap.com

Timi Ogunjobi is an engineer, writer and publisher. His many articles have been published internationally since 1980. email: timi@ensap.com Web: www.hardmenu.net
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