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The lazy man’s guide to creative traffic evasion

Traffic is a lot like jury duty. The only people who have to suffer through it are the ones who don’t have enough sense to dodge it. Now, we all know a million and one ways to thumb our nose at civic responsibilities, but getting out of gridlock requires some higher-order thinking. I mean, you can’t just show up at the freeway onramp nibbling on a raw hotdog without any pants on and expect everyone to get out of your way like they do down at the courthouse. Here are a handful of ideas on how you can creatively make your way around town without ever having to idle away on an overpass.

As people move farther and farther away from the cities, suburbs and exurbs looking for affordable housing and safer streets, rural roads are becoming more clogged than a teenager’s pores. Thankfully, there’s no more fertile ground for plotting out a stop-and-go free commute than The Sticks. Anytime the thoroughfare gets swamped, just pull off the shoulder, drop into 4-wheel drive, and gun it. Don’t let front yards scare you off, either—gravel can be re-raked, clothes lines will be found eventually, and mailboxes are always on sale. The only downside to rough-riding through the mud is that your rig can get mighty grimy mighty quick, so be sure to slap on some truck mud flaps first.

For the urban off-roader, I have just 2 words for you: train tracks. Any set of railroad or trolley tracks is ideal for getting across town in a hurry. A few warnings, though: public transportation is notorious for making frequent stops, so be sure to leave plenty of room between yourself and that big steel sausage in front of you. Also, this technique can get a tad bumpy, so I don’t recommend eating a Slim Jim while you do it, unless you have no gag reflex. What’s more, tunnels can get damn dark, so I’d suggest adding some Piaa lights onto your truck. That and a set of sturdy shocks are about all you need to start up your very own Blue Line.

Well, those ideas should give you a good starting point for figuring out how the best, most reckless method for steering clear of traffic. The only other nugget of wisdom I can impart on all of you budding automotive anarchists is this: don’t skimp on seat covers. You’ll be going where no pickup was intended to go, so you’ll be hitting plenty of uneven terrain. All that rocking while you’re rolling will ultimately lead to some nasty spills, and the only thing worse than a big smudge of barbeque sauce on your leather upholstery is sitting in traffic.
Happy Trails.

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Choosing the right resource for car and truck accessories can be important and so that you are not using your Blackberry whilst driving, I would recommend the following: www.autoanything.com/seat-covers/10A50186.aspx”>seat covers, www.autoanything.com/lights/20A50383A1.aspx”>Piaa lights and www.autoanything.com/mud-flaps/10A10035.aspx”>truck mud flaps. - David S. Brooks

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